The trail out of Rogue Valley seems to climb forever. At the top, I swung onto the spine of the ridge, arguing with God. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I offer myself humbly at His feet? Why was there no love, no inspiration in my heart? What could I do to open my heart? For months, I had run without deep feeling, in my mind, dried-out and washed-up. I could barely recall the days of Happy Heart Running. I felt abandoned.
Turning down the trail to the canyon below, I was praying with desperate, full-throated sincerity, demanding an answer. And at last the answer came – it was an intuitive voice that said quietly: “Do it to please God.”
That was a month ago. Since then, I’ve tried to attune myself to the new direction. I’ve tried to relax and not push too hard, knowing that “pleasing God” means welcoming His love and joy with love. How can love penetrate a mind that’s over-busy with fretting and discipline: “Do this!” “Do that!”
I’ve started each run with a prayer, asking God to show me how to please Him. While running, I’ve tried to relax, holding my attention calmly on just one thing at a time, and offering myself up to the greater Self – visualizing my energy moving upward, skyward, soaring toward God’s swiftly expanding inner spaces.
But then I changed my diet. The details don’t matter, suffice it that I suddenly had more enthusiasm and energy. But with fresh energy came mental restlessness. I fought against the exuberant energy, feeling that God could come only if I was calm and centered.
Last night I lay in bed, my thoughts rambling, when I began to feel God’s presence, very sweetly. I said, “No use pretending, God, okay? This is what I’ve got, and it’s what I’m offering.” I had a sense of giving myself to God, of offering my wild energy and enthusiasm to Him. And in that feeling, the presence of God came stronger. I felt His pleasure in my offering of myself just as I was – restless, okay, sure – but eager to serve.
God accepts us as we are, and helps us move toward something better. When we ask for His guidance, He builds bridges for us with His boundless creativity, so that we can step onto the next level of happiness. Countless times over the years, whenever I’ve offered myself to God, no matter how disconsolate my heart or wild my mind, He has accepted the gift. The brain doesn’t matter, restlessness doesn’t matter, the only thing that counts, in God’s eyes, is love.
I thought, if I’m feeling bouncy and enthusiastic, why would God fault that? It would be…well, gosh, it would be inhuman. God likes enthusiasm – and so what, if my high energy prevents Him from coming as boundless peace? It simply doesn’t matter. Only love matters. God wants our affection, not our perfect behavior. He doesn’t make demands; He awaits our love.
That is, truly, our only difficulty, our only test–whether we will find the humility to open our hearts to Him. “Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.”1
1 Luke 18:16
